Slapped around.

I feel a bit slapped around by Jesus today.  I've been reading the gospels.  He throws all this stuff at me that is so radical and hard..like "take that...take that...take that."  But my head is reeling and I can't.  I can't take it.
But then maybe I need to.
I need to take it and even though I can't..I have to.

I have to think differently from others and from the world, I figured that out already.
But He is asking me to think differently not just about the outside, but about my insides.  He's asking me to let go of what makes me safe, my very brain messages that tell me something is dangerous. He is saying just trust Him from the places where I am terrified and that I protect so carefully.  I rationalize those fears.   I am human and wholehearted and I feel like I have a pretty good sense of all this and then He says..No Judy, I want you to stop being so human and to be godlike..

A simple memory of mine where I made some human choices:

 When I was 9 years old I went to boarding school for the first time.  It was a homey small little school and I liked it.  I don't remember really feeling homesick the first few weeks,  but then my parents came for a  visit and when it was time for them to leave,  I was desperate to go with them. At the eight-thirty bedtime I said goodbye, crawled into bed and begin to wail, my cries were heard clear down the hall.   I shared a room and a bunk with the house mom's daughter.   I'm not sure how long it took the house mom to come but she did come down to my room and told me, in what my memory, was a very stern voice, to stop crying.  She told me that I was  making this really hard for my mom and dad.  And so,  I turned all that homesick lonely stuff into anger and resented this woman for years.  Who was she to tell me to stop crying? She would never leave her daughter in a dorm.

I was praying through this memory with a friend and she asked me to confess the parts where I was wrong.  When I first tried to confess, I defended my little self.. I was just a little girl.   My reactions were human and natural, even sensible and I felt a terrible compassion for that little person.   But then I knew I had made 9 year old choices and even vows out of fear and anger.  And so I had to confess and forgive myself, my little clueless self, because I chose some things.  I chose to be angry and resentful and hardhearted.  I did what was sensibly human.

And so back to the beginning of all this.  Jesus does it different.  He made right choices.  He chose to sacrifice his human self and He asks us to do that too and so sometimes it feels a bit like He is slapping me around asking ..He's asking me to think differently in the deepest part of my heart. To let Him take care of me.  To not be afraid even when my body is freaking out some.

 Try reading the gospels, maybe you will feel that slap, but then see it different.